


Heart's Burden

by varignon



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers Tower, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Random & Short, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Starbucks, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 00:56:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11909874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varignon/pseuds/varignon
Summary: *Casually ignores most of civil war*Steve and Bucky have a struggle in their relationship after their years apart.





	Heart's Burden

**Author's Note:**

> I had started writing this fic before watching civil war, so a few things cross over and a few don't. Just pretend that civil war happened, but everyone made nice afterward and continued being friends.  
> -The italics mark past events or side information

Steve was running his fingers through Bucky's hair as they lay together on their couch; the tv flickering, ignored. It had been a whole year since Bucky had decided to stay at Steve's apartment, but Steve couldn't help but feel there was still an unspoken rift between the two. Memories had been coming back easier than ever and he was determined to make them last no matter what got in the way. The silence grew more pressing in his ears. Bucky eventually spoke, surprising Steve.

 

"I can't stand the thought of losing you again," there was a deep breath "I don't know what I'd do if I black out again and lose control on you." 

 

_ It had been only months however, since the seizures started. It came as a shock to everyone, not only did Bucky lose consciousness but when he came-to he was the soldier. At first they agreed it was the process of acclimating back to his old life, back to a home environment. Going cold turkey from always being told what to do, when to do it, and then being locked away had to have an effect on his state of mind.  _

 

" No... Buck don't say things like that. You'll be fine. I promise we can make this work. Look at all the progress you've made so far!"

 

_ The second time it happened was during a shopping day for the tower with Tony and Natasha. She had pulled a box from the shelf, reading the label out to him; that was when Bucky hit the floor. They had almost made it back to the tower by the time he realized where he was. Put him in the infirmary Banner said, there had to be more tests he said.  _

 

"Is it enough though?" He replied, lifting his head off Steve's chest and looking in his eyes. "I still want to protect you, even though I know you don't need it anymore." He gave a shaky laugh. "Man how the tables have turned, huh?" He looked down and it was a while before he spoke again.

 

_ The third time it happened they pinned the trend. A certain face in the crowd, a simple word, that was all it took to rocket Bucky into a fit. The guess was that it was a trigger from his past. Never the same words as the little red book, but something they assumed came from a previous order or conversation. And the faces, well, the faces had to be the recollection of an old teammate. Everyone was grasping at straws trying to explain the seizures and why they had started up so suddenly and any idea seemed a good one. Banner had yelled, cursed himself for not understanding their start sooner. Seizures are in essence a failure in brain activity. Of course. The years of being wiped and frozen over and over had begun to take a toll on the body, as strong as it was. _

 

"I know you can handle me and I know there's ways to hold me back when I'm... gone, but I just couldn't bear it to know that I ever hurt you. Everything the Soldier did.. does.. absolutely shakes me Steve. I can't face that I was ready to kill you. Kill those people. I don't-" Steve cut him off with a whisper. 

It was the argument they always had, were always coming back to. As hard as Bucky fought, as hard as he tried to take control of his body, there was always the threat of the seizures and then the relapse. The faces, the words, they never had a correlation. They never had to be the same. 

"Shh Buck it'll be ok. That wasn't you, that wasn't you." Bucky angrily rose from the couch. "It was me Steve! Don't you understand? I don't care that I didn't know, I don't care that I couldn't stop it! It was still my body, it was by these hands." Tears leaked from his eyes and he turned away. 

 

_ Bucky never tried to admit to Steve about the nightmares. Every victim, their faces... greeting him every night as he tried to close his eyes. Every name, he remembered every damn name of every single one. Their screams and weak cries for help. It haunted him. He often passed many days without attempting to sleep. Late nights cooped in the sparring room trying to turn his fear into strength. Steve always knew of course. He had kept his distance at first, trying to let Bucky work it out himself. But after so many sleepless nights Steve began keeping a closer eye on him. Making him finish his food, making him get in the shower, giving him more paper for that dear journal he kept close to his heart.  _

 

"Look, Bucky, I'm not trying to pretend like none of that happened ok? I understand how much it hurts you. It hurts me to see you going through this. But that's why we're together, we're working through this. We can make it work I promise. We've been through hell and back before and I won't hesitate to do it again just to be with you." He reached out for Bucky expecting to be pushed away, but he didn't resist and melted into a hug.

 

_ Every new seizure infuriated Bucky. If only there was an easy reason to explain why those faces, those words, hit him then he'd be able to work past it and heal. But all his progress had begun to stagnate again. It seemed as soon as he could get ahead, there was hydra with another fail safe. Bucky had been so happy that Steve accepted him back and was willing to work through the years of sludge that hydra had put in his brain. At first it was horrid- no one believed Steve, no one wanted to trust Bucky. But the more he was able to piece things together the more he was able to prove to them, to Steve, that he was worthy and the more he allowed himself to heal. It still deemed impossible to him that not only he and Steve had survived, but their bond as well. The first weeks of working with Steve was a taxing event for Bucky. He was almost too afraid to approach Steve. They had had their reunion in a way, yes, but cooperation is so much different off the battlefield than on.  _

_ All the memories he had written down of Steve, the only things that came to him at first through half-clear dreams were the intimates. The way Bucky's heart fluttered when Steve got close, the quick kisses on the old battlefields, the memory of those cold nights when they were kids sharing body heat, the protective urge he felt to keep Steve out of any danger no matter how small. Memories like these and more he didn't share at first even as abundant as they were. Bucky was too unsure of what this Steve felt. It had been seventy years since they could get a quiet moment together, and now when they did the prospect of losing everything he was fighting for shook Bucky to his boots. He assumed that Steve surely had moved on, as heartbreaking as it was to admit. _

_ It was one night where sleep didn't come, when he was staring out the window at the skyline that Steve came and sat in bed next to him. They both had sat silent, wanting to say so much but not sure how to pick the words. It was then that Bucky found himself saying everything, unable to stop the current of words spilling from his lips. He needed to let his feelings be known, no longer could he stand the 'best friend' label that every museum seemed to brand him as. To him, nothing had changed from the moment they had met to the moment they both went on ice. Steve had sat and listened, not daring to breathe for everything Bucky said was a reflection of his own feelings.  _

_ The relief that followed after knowing they both still felt for each other the same as from before was palpable. Things had changed after that night; memories and trust came easier, no longer was Bucky the shell of himself. He often left the tower, did more activities, and made more of an effort to be part of the team. Natasha was proud of him, Sam didn't show it but he was glad that Bucky was allowing himself leisure, Wanda, Clint, Tony,  _ everyone _ else was relieved to see the huge progress that had been made in just a year, and realized that they should have trusted Steve’s word and let Bucky in sooner.  _

 

They stood there in each other's arms for a long time. A silent understanding growing between them. All the unrest that Steve had been feeling was gone. It felt like he fully had Bucky back. Eventually Steve spoke. "You're cute when you're angry, you know." Bucky hit him on the shoulder but he was smiling. "God Steve you're insufferable." They laughed 


End file.
